Teaching Safety to Kids (and Ourselves)

After Lisa creates an age-appropriate risk reduction lesson for a young student, she and Kellie explore how to teach personal safety to kids in a way that empowers rather than scares them. The conversation includes awareness, confidence, verbal boundaries, trusting instincts, support systems, and calming tools adults can use, too. 

Show Notes

Self Defense Resources

• Diamond Defense
  https://diamonddefense.com/resources

Other Resources

• Power and Control Wheels
  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/
  Copyright by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
  
  

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Production Team

Co-Host and Co-Producer: Lisa
Co-Host and Co-Producer: Kellie

Special Thanks

Ann Cobb, Kelley Ogden, Mr. Mattingly, Anna and her mom

Music

• Music courtesy of Melodie Music.
  • Melodie Music Subscription: Pro Plan, Lifetime

Title: Fighter; Artist: Christy Panchal Composers: Klotz Christina Elyse Panchal (ASCAP: 1020882000) 50%, Carrozza Gregory Joseph (BMI: 00528390441) 50%
https://melod.ie/track-details/3300-fighter 

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Transcript

Theme Music: I am a fighter. Checking my armor. I'm marching onward. Hey Hey. I am a fighter, storming the desert…

Kellie: Welcome back to the Diamond Defense Podcast. I'm Kellie.

Lisa: And I'm Lisa.

Kellie: Hey, Lisa. It's been a minute.

Lisa: It has been a minute, Kellie. How have you been?

Kellie: I have been great. Now, listeners, you might hear some residual or background noise, and we decided to keep things real today, and we'll tell you a little bit more why. But PG&E is tearing the heck out of my neighborhood and they're outside my home digging to the other side of the world right now.

Lisa: I mean, gas line work is really important, so I'm glad that's happening to you.

Kellie: Yeah!

Lisa: But I'm sorry for the noise and, and the inconvenience.

Kellie: It's, I'm hoping I can get outta my home, 'cause right now behind our driveway, it's, it's, it's a, a sink pit.

Lisa: Oh no.

Kellie: I don't know what else to call it. Huge sink pit.

Lisa: They... they can't leave it like that.

Kellie: No, they can't. And I can't leave until they unleave it like that.

Lisa: You've got to be able to come and go. Alright, well, you know, we'll just, uh, report back on that situation, please.

Kellie: I will. You know, maybe by the end of this conversation the sink pit will be filled.

Lisa: That would be awesome.

Kellie: Listeners, we, we had scheduled to record, uh, two episodes today, but life happens and we had to reschedule those. But we did not wanna waste the opportunity to get back in the saddle and have a chat with you. So, we decided to pivot. We're pivoting all over the place. And Lisa, tell us about what kind of pivoting we're gonna do.

Lisa: Well, you know, I think that, uh, when we realized that we weren't gonna be able to record what we wanted to record today, um, you know, we kind of talked about what, what, what, what's been going on and what's pertinent and what's relevant and, um, you know, you always gotta be ready with a pivot. And so, uh, I think the pivot today might be actually, um, sort of a blessing in disguise because, uh, it's something I, I guess I don't think we planned on talking about, but I think it, um, it's probably really important. And so... so let's get into it. Um, so this stems from a class that I taught recently where, um, I had a—. Someone book a class. It was just a single booking for my intro class. And, um, about two days before that class happened, I found out that it was a, a woman who had booked the class for her 8-year-old daughter.

Kellie: Oh, that's young.

Lisa: It's very young. It's younger than I've ever, um, worked with before. I work with 12 and up and primarily up. Um, primarily 18 and up, but I do work with teens, and I think that work is very important as well, especially... You know, teens who are either going into high school, going from high school into college, um, going from college out into living on their own. Those sorts of transition periods, um, tend to be huge, uh, for people.

Lisa: But anyways, this was an 8-year-old little girl. And, you know, so I'm talking to the mom, and I said, well, number one, um, you need to, you need to book with her. You need to come in with her. Cause, I need you to monitor content primarily. Right?

Kellie: Smart.

Lisa: Like my content. Uh, and then the other thing was I said, I will, I will try and adjust my content, um, to her age level. So, the first thing I talk about, and we've done an entire episode on this, is active compliance and the alert system, which can be really scary for, for a child.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Um, I talk about sexual assault. We talk about domestic violence. We talk about drug facilitated sexual assault, like all of these sorts of things that really not appropriate for an 8-year-old. So, I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to do something new and see, see what I can come up with. You know, no matter what she's gonna hopefully go away with something more than what she came in with. And you know, we always start with the risk reduction class, right? So, this was not—

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: This was not physical defense yet. This was like, we're gonna do an hour of risk reduction and see how everything gels. Um, and see if we wanna continue to, to go and work on physical defense with her. More about that later. Um. But... so I was like, okay, let's do it. So, I spent two days creating, uh, a, a risk reduction course as appropriate for a child.

Kellie: Wow. So, speaking of pivoting, that's, that's a big pivot.

Lisa: Yeah. Yeah. And that's exactly right. I'm like, we're pivoting today and we're pivoting with my most recent pivot, which was creating a class for youth, um, for young, young kids, and. Um, you know, and it's something that I never planned on doing, but quite honestly, I think that it turned into something that is valuable.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Um, for kids to know. And so, I thought, like, let's talk about, um, the things that a, we can all. Be teaching kids, um, especially young girls, uh, you know, before, before we have to tell them or before they unfortunately maybe learn through media, through society, through life, through whatever, what sudden violence can look like.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Um, let's, let's teach them some other skills, right. That kind of help prepare them. For that and help them to, um, stay a little safer, um, until they do get into the place where they are understanding what sudden violence is, right? Because I don't wanna be the one to explain to a child what that's all about.

Kellie: Wow.

Lisa: Um, the horrible things that can happen, right? Like, that's not a conversation I wanna have with an 8-year-old. Um, and so I decided not to go that route. I decided to go this other route. So, uh, so this course that I created for... for this child, um, resulted in what we're gonna talk about today.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: So, this is things that I think we can all be reinforcing with our kids. Um, and then quite honestly, I think it's things that even as adults, uh, we can benefit from, uh, while we're reinforcing these things toward children. So, this is, you know, this is sort of a let's keep our kids safe and, and help. Remember ourselves some important lessons that maybe we, we should have, wish we would've been taught when we were young, so. If you wanna take this journey with me, Kellie, let's go through it.

Kellie: I wanna take this journey with you. And before you start, I actually, this just reminds me when I was in fourth grade, which is around that age.

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: I remember, can I tell you really quick? Yes, please. I was, um, I had done something extracurricular with a couple other students and a teacher, and I missed the school bus.

Lisa: Okay.

Kellie: And at that young age, I didn't know how to get home. I remember going into the school office and being afraid. Not assertive enough to ask to use the phone to call my mom and dad. And so, I sat outside the front of the school, and I just sat there and I cried and I remember and not knowing what am I gonna do? How, what am I gonna do?

Lisa: Little baby Kellie.

Kellie: And I remember this man came up to me.

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: And he's like, “Hey, what's wrong?” And he started talking to me and I'm like, “I missed the school bus. I wanna get home.” He's like, “Well, do you want me to give you a ride?”

Lisa: Ugh.

Kellie: And I remember this clear as day, and I, Lisa, I was gonna go because I wanted to go home. Because—.

Lisa: Oh my God. And that's what they count on. Yeah.

Kellie: I didn't have any other knowledge, and I was scared at that point. Mr. Mattingly, the principal came out and he's like, “Hey, what's going on?”

Lisa: Wow.

Kellie: And he is like, "Oh, well, she was upset." And he's like, "You know, I'll take it from here. We'll go inside and call her parents."

Lisa: God bless Mr. Mattingly.

Kellie: To this day, I always think Mr. Mattingly saved my life. Probably.

Lisa: Probably.

Kellie: So, when you pivoted, you're pivoting. We're pivoting and you talked about this class recently and it... it sparked that memory.

Lisa: Wow.

Kellie: Um. That even kids, I think, need a little bit of knowledge.

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: On how to keep themselves safe. So, I'm excited to take this journey with you.

Lisa: Excellent.

Kellie: Because my little 8-year-old self is going.

Lisa: Right.

Kellie: I wish I had this information.

Lisa: Yes. Knowledge and permission. Right. And I think that is the big thing that I found out with her is that not only did she need to be informed, but she needed to be given permission to take her safety into her own hands and into account.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: You know, I mean, of course, the, the, the people who are primarily responsible for children's safety are the parents and the—

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Adults that they surround themselves with or that they're surrounded by.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: But sometimes. Like little baby Kellie sitting out there crying... They, they have to figure it out for themselves in, in a, in a moment. Um, and so... yeah—.

Kellie: So, 8-year-old me is excited to go through this. Take, take me through—

Lisa: Excellent.

Kellie: Your, your new curriculum.

Lisa: Okay. If you'll I will do it. All right. So, the first thing that we started with, um, was something that we've talked about, um, a lot, which is the three things, right? So, we started by talking with, um, I'm gonna call her Anna. Um, we started by talking with Anna about the three things, which for anyone who remembers our first three episodes are awareness, confidence, and destination. But we framed those as they would pertain more to a child's view. Right.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: And so, for awareness, um, we talked to her about what does awareness look like. Right, like what happens when we notice things? And so, I asked her to tell me, you know, what's, what's a few things that you see in this room right now. You know, what do you hear? What do you smell? And we started by getting her into touch with her senses. And you know, when we did that, we found out that Anna notices everything.

Lisa: Um, maybe she didn't realize she was noticing everything, but she was noticing so much. Um, and then, and then for her to like go, oh, that's a good thing that I noticed that that's a good thing, that I, um, need to pay attention to those things. Um, and so, yeah. Um, so that was a great little exercise that we did.

Lisa: Uh, and then she, and then, because of that exercise— and that's where we started, throughout the rest of the class, when something would come up or a new noise in the neighborhood would echo into, you know, the, the studio, she would, she would note, she would note it. Uh, if somebody walked by that maybe didn't strike her as being somebody that was super safe or whatever. Um, you know, 'cause I've got big windows in the front of my studio. She would notice it.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: And she would say it. And so immediately she was give, we were giving her permission to use her senses like that, to gather information for herself. And I think that was really a great thing for her.

Kellie: It's amazing what permission will do for somebody.

Lisa: That's right. That's exactly right. Um, and so the second thing when we, we talked about confidence, right? And, you know, asked her what, what is confidence? What does that mean to you? And so, we had a conversation about confidence and about how believing in ourselves, um, can, can change how we look to the world.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Can, so what happens then to our body when we feel confident, you know, how do we, how does our body change, how does our physicality change the, the, the more confident we become and how can, even if we don't feel super confident, right? How can we look and act confidently? Um, and so we talked about like, looking at different postures, you know? And so, I would show her different postures. I would go into different types of postures and ask her, you know, what does this look like to you? Does this look like somebody who's confident? Do I look like somebody who's gonna fight for herself?

Lisa: You know? Um, and so that was a cool little exercise, and so then she got to do it right. So, you know, the way you're sitting right now. What do you think? How do you know how confident could... could you look more confident than you, than you are right now? And then she would make these little adjustments to her posture and, and, and because of those adjustments to her posture, she would start to feel a little more confident and act a little more confidently. Right?

Kellie: Go her.

Lisa: Um, so yeah, so Anna was getting into this and it was great, um, to... to watch that change in her. Um, and then number three, of course, destination. So, we talked about what does it look like when we move with purpose? You know, what is the difference between walking across this room as though I really don't have anywhere to be.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: And walking across this room as though I, you know, and, and the way I framed it to her, your mom is waiting for you on the other side and she's in a hurry and she's ready to go.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: You know, how does that change how you move across this room? And so. What happens to our body when we have somewhere to be? And even if we don't have somewhere to be, can we pretend that we do?

Kellie: Hell yeah!

Lisa: Right? And so now we're getting into pretending, which. I loved as a kid, kids seem to really dig that.

Kellie: Hey, I love it as an adult.

Lisa: That's right. That's right. And so, you know, so she got to do a little bit of a sort of little acting exercise, right? Like, you know, now, now say your mom is not across the room. And luckily her mom was there with us and so she was able to, to stand there, you know, during some of it. And then this part, she, we took her away. Now.... now pretend that your mom is still there across the room.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: And, and walk towards, towards that side of the room. And she was able to keep that.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: Um, yeah. Yeah. So that was how we went through the three things, um, with, with Anna the 8-year-old and, uh, yeah. And those, and that seemed to really resonate with her. Um, so.

Kellie: I like that she's actually also able to like, just get in things into her body, like vocabulary and, and ideas into her body by physically

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: You know, kind of implementing what you're asking her about and telling her.

Lisa: Right. And as I'm sure, anyone who has children, which I do not, anyone who works with children or is around children, uh, on a regular basis, which I am not. Knows that kids gotta get stuff in their body.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Right? It, it's that visceral experience, um, that really affects them. You can't sit there and just, uh, lecture, no—.

Kellie: Learn by doing.

Lisa: You gotta learn by doing. That's right. And they have to be active and they have to be, uh, engaged. Um, and so yeah, so that was a great way to sort of go through the three three... three things with her and um, and look at that curriculum. And so, from there we moved into safety with people. And this was really interesting. Uh, to me, her reaction to this was so, um, I don't wanna say jarring, but like eye-opening. Um, so, you know, we talked about if someone's talking to you or touching you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, um, verbal boundary setting.

 Kellie: Mm-hmm.

 Lisa: Okay. So, this, this next portion was all about verbal boundary setting and the things that we have the permission to do and say when we don't feel safe. And so again, someone's talking to you or touching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. You know, I said to her, you know that you have a right to say. Things like, "I don't like that." "That makes me uncomfortable." Um, "I don't wanna talk about that." "I don't feel safe right now." Or "Please stop." Um, these sorts of things like you have the right, if you don't feel safe to set these verbal boundaries to say these things—.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: To someone. And then you know, if someone's approaching you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you have a right to say loudly, "Back up," or "I need more space," or "You are too close to me. Leave me alone. Stay back." You know, things like that, um, that can help deter someone from continuing towards you. And so, we go through these, these things, and then we get to, you know, if you've asked someone to stop, so if you've said one of these things and that person doesn't stop, now we have a right to yell things like, "No, stop. Um, leave me alone, don't touch me." Or "I need help." And we get, we're going through this curriculum and she says to me, "But wouldn't that be rude?"

Kellie: Yep. There it is.

Lisa: At eight years old, Kellie, it's already there.

Kellie: Media, society, culture, everything conditions, women especially, and children to be proper and mindful and demure and—.

Lisa: Yes!

Kellie: Not rude.

Lisa: Accommodating, and... not make anybody feel uncomfortable. And you know, it's that politeness trap, right.

Kellie: Fuck that shit.

Lisa: Exactly. And we always talk about, as women, you know, uh, that, oh, you know, we're conditioned to do this societally from, you know, a young age, we're conditioned to accommodate other people and...

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: To be polite and not to be rude, but to see it. Like in its infancy.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Beginning that thought pattern, beginning to formulate in this 8-year-old child, I was like, wow. It is in there. It's in there already. So... so we went through that curriculum a second and a third time.

Kellie: Nice. Good.

Lisa: Just to make sure that she understood, you know? And then, and her mom was there to back me up.

Kellie: Good.

Lisa: And it was great. And it was like, no, that is not rude. If you feel unsafe.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Right. When you feel unsafe, you have a right to set verbal boundaries. And I think that is something that our little girls.... we may not realize they need permission to do that, but damn it, they need permission to do that.

Kellie: Permission granted, little girls and women, you have the right to say these things.

Lisa: And women, let's teach that to our little girls, right? We always talk about how we were conditioned to that. So, let's stop that cycle. Um—.

Kellie: And also, let's teach our little boys that when they hear, no, stop, leave me alone, that they, uh, listen and react accordingly.

Lisa: Hell yes, let's equally, absolutely 110% teach our little boys that. When you hear, “No,” when you hear, “Stop,” when you hear, “Leave me alone,” or “don’t touch me,” um, you need to stop.

Kellie: And to be fair, little boys get to say those things too. To just to—. Everybody gets to say those things, and everybody should react accordingly.

Lisa: Everybody gets to say those things.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't mean to—.

Kellie: So, we're on the record there.

Lisa: I don't mean to, um, gender, um, stereotype at all. All of our children. Let's teach all of our children.

Kellie: Yes.

Lisa: Actually, let's teach all of our children both of those things, right? All of them have a right to set verbal boundaries when they feel unsafe and all of them need to respect verbal boundaries that are set by someone else.

Kellie: Whether it's to other children or sadly, scarily adults.

Lisa: Or adults.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: That's exactly right. Alright, so then we moved into what are our instincts, you know, and she didn't know what that was. She didn't know what that meant.

Kellie: Wow.

Lisa: So it was, it was a gift for me to be able to, to bring this to this child and teach her. That, you know, those uh-oh feelings and that was sort of the verbiage I put behind it and that.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: Helped her process and sort of understand what I was talking about.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Those uh-oh feelings that we have when something doesn't feel right. Right. Um, those feelings are there to help keep us safe.

Kellie: Always.

Lisa: And we have to trust those feelings. Um, and if we wonder when are we supposed to trust our instincts, the answer is always right.

Kellie: Always.

Lisa: Absolutely. We always trust our instincts, and if something feels wrong, we trust that feeling and we take action. You know, we either run away or we ask for help, or we don't go into that room, or we don't step onto that elevator, or we don't engage with this or that person. Um. When your instincts kick in and you have a feeling that something is not right, you can trust that feeling. And I think that's a really important thing for kids to understand.

Kellie: Good. I did that—. I've done that several times as an adult. I remember one time I was supposed to meet two friends for dinner.

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: One more of a friend than the other. And I got there first, and when I walked into the restaurant, I walked back out and I just had the weirdest feeling that I should not be there.

Lisa: Oooo!

Kellie: It was just overwhelming. And so, I called my friend and said, "Hey, I'm not feeling this. I'm gonna go home. I'm just taking a rain check tonight."

Lisa: Yeah.

Kellie: And nothing happened, and who knows if something ever were to happen, but I know something did not happen because I left.

Lisa: That's right. You were safe and that's what you know happened. Yeah.

Kellie: That's what I know happened. So yeah. Trust your instincts.

Lisa: Yeah, and I think that's the hard part about allowing ourselves to truly trust our instincts because it is an act of faith, right? It is—. We don't know. We don't know what the thing is that's on the other side of those instincts that's telling us that something's not right.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: And so, we have to take a little bit of a leap of faith in ourselves to go, doesn't matter. Don't care. All I know is that this feels wrong.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: And, and then we do that.

Kellie: Exactly. And you get to go home and take your bra off and watch Seinfeld or whatever it was at the time. So—.

Lisa: Excellent.

Kellie: Win-win!

Lisa: Always a win. Um, that's great. So good job on that, Kellie, for trusting those instincts. Um yeah. Hell yeah.

Kellie: Hell yeah.

Lisa: Alright, so, so we learned what instincts are. Um, we put some definition to that and some permission to that, um, for her. And then the next thing we moved into was what is a support system, right? Who are the people who are there to help keep you safe? So, we talked about, you know what, what a support system is, right? These are the people that are there to keep us safe and the people that we feel safe with. And we talked about how important our support system is and that we, that we, always know that we can count on those people. Um, and then we named those people. So, we did a, a little exercise where we had her make a list, um, of who the safe people are in her life. Uh, and if she ever feels unsafe about anything, um, that this is the list she's gonna go to.

Kellie: Hmm.

Lisa: And, you know, whether it's one thing or another, she feels... she feels better about going to this certain person, about this certain thing or whatever it is. That she, that is making her feel unsafe. Um, but these are the people that she can trust and that she can go to anytime she has that feeling. And so we sort of defined that for her and made sure that she understood that she is not going through things alone, even if she is in school, even if she is alone on a playground with other kids or alone in a room with other adults, people who are not a part of that support system, that she is not alone.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: And that she has this tribe—.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: Of people who are looking out for her and who she can trust. And I think that was really important for her to understand as well.

Kellie: You're, you're in my support system. You're on my list.

Lisa: Aw.

Kellie: Yeah. You and your wife are on, on my list. I'm just saying.

Lisa: You're like, you're tops in our support system for sure. Yeah. You know, and like I said, even as adults, like I think these are all things that we can get in. Like let's make, I'll make a list of my support system, I think... I think maybe it's great for us to do that, you know, so that we can sort of see who the people in our corner are and realize how big and vast our network is, and how many people—.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Are invested in our safety.

Kellie: Facts. And I mean, I talked about it in the storytelling episode I did about my dating life and—.

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: I have a list of my friends that I say, "Hey, this is who I'm meeting, this is their details."

Lisa: Mm-hmm.

Kellie: "If I come up missing, hunt them down."

Lisa: That's right. And you know, we fucking would.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah. Absolutely. In a heartbeat.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: Alright, so support system. And then the last thing we talked about, which I think is very important for all of us, especially kids. How do we stay calm?

Kellie: Mm. Chocolate.

Lisa: Right? Chocolate is really good for most any situation, but if there's a situation that arises wherein, we do not have access to chocolate—.

Kellie: Damn it!

Lisa: How do we, how do we keep ourselves calm, right? When something scary starts to happen, how do we avoid panic? Right. And obviously we know as adults that a large part of that is focusing on our breath. And so, we did some breath exercises with her and got her in touch, right with her breath. I mean, um, there's nothing more important, uh, to us than that. And so, we did, um, a sequence, uh, in order to find out where safety lives in our body.

Kellie: I love that. Nice.

Lisa: And that sequence is, um, there are three places that we breathe into. So, the... the first thing we do, the first part of this exercise is that we, um, it, we take like 30 seconds, and we breathe into our heart. And we try to, in that breath, isolate the heart as the only place in the body that moves when that breath happens. And then we move into the solar plexus, right? That... that center of our torso area, and we try and breathe into our solar pro plexus and make that the only place in our body that moves with that breath. And then the third spot is the tummy. Um, and it can be, you know, the belly button or, you know, two inches below the belly button. And, and, and I forgot a important part of this. You put your hand there. Um, so whichever part of your body you're breathing into, you know, we start with the heart. You put your hand over your heart. We're breathing into that hand. Second solar plexus, we put our hand in our solar plexus. We're breathing into that hand. And then the third part, we put our hand in our, in our tummy, um, like I said, either around your belly button or a couple inches below your belly button. And we breathe into that area.

Lisa: And then we ask ourselves which one of those spots was easiest for us to breathe into because it's different for everybody. It's different for different people and wherever that spot is. For me personally, it's my belly. It's two inches below my belly button is my safe spot. Um, that is, that is where safety lives in your body.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: And so that is the place, if we go into panic, if we feel ourselves getting stressed, um, that is the place we should focus our breath into.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: Because that is the place that makes us feel the safest,

Kellie: I think mine is my heart.

Lisa: Yeah.

Kellie: I'm breathing right now. I'm breathing all the time, hopefully, but...

Lisa: But you're doing it right now. That was Anna's spot as well, was her heart. Yeah. Um, and so we find out where that place of safety is, uh, and we identify that for ourselves. And then we... we learned the double exhale breath. So, right, when we breathe out for twice as long as we breathe in, um, it helps sort of reset our limbic system in our brain, which is where all of our emotions are housed. Our fear, our panic, anxiety, all of that stuff is housed there. Um, that double exhale helps reset that system for us. And the, the most optimal breath pattern for resetting your limbic system and calming the body is a 4 7, 8. Um, that can be a little difficult sometimes. So, I just say a 4, 8. But ideally if we can breathe in for four seconds, if we can hold that breath for seven seconds and then so we're breathing, starting in through the nose for four seconds. We're holding for seven, and then we're breathing out through the mouth for eight. Or if we find we can't, we can't do the seven second hold, that's okay. In through the nose for four out through the mouth for eight in through the nose for four, out through the mouth for eight. And we do that several times.

Lisa: Um, and that helps sort of clear the lungs out. It helps reset that limbic system. It helps us calm down, um, so that we can think clearly. Right. And that's the most important part of it because we go into panic, stress, et cetera. Um, we can't think clearly, and then we can't make good, good decisions to keep ourselves safe.

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: And so, um, so we, so we did that. So, we taught her where safety lives in her body through her breath, and then we taught her that double exhale breath pattern so that she knows how to calm herself when she needs to.

Kellie: Nice.

Lisa: And then I said to her, I said, "Do you know you're a diamond?"

Kellie: Oh no, I love it.

Lisa: And she looked at me and she said, "No, I didn't know that." And I said, "You know that diamonds are precious, which means they're very, very valuable and they're also very, very strong. They're the strongest gem that we have. And so that means that you are very, very valuable and you're also very, very strong, and that's gonna keep you safe." And um, boy that just floated her boat.

Kellie: I'm tearing up right now. I love that.

Lisa: It was beautiful. Um, it was a really, really beautiful class. Um, and I think that we all, even... even the mom and I learned really important things from Anna as much as she learned from, from us. Um, and so...

Kellie: Wow.

Lisa: Yeah.

Kellie: I mean, this has been a pivot, but it's been a precious and strong and shiny diamond kind of pivot.

Lisa: Absolutely. Yeah. I think, um. You know what, what ended up happening in terms of the physical defense, just to complete that thought, um, was that I realized that, um, I was not the right, my program is not the right place for, for Anna to learn physical defense.

Kellie: Okay.

Lisa: Um, because what I teach focuses on preparing for sudden violence.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: And an 8-year-old is not necessarily ready to process and absorb that, uh, information in a way that is productive for her to learn those physical defense skills. So, what I did actually was, um, I, I asked them to pivot. Uh, into Jiu-jitsu.

Kellie: Oh, nice.

Lisa: The first thing she did when she came into my space was just run and start kicking at the Bob. And so, I was like—.

Kellie: I mean, that's a valid kind of thing to wanna do.

Lisa: It is. She... she rolled on the mat and then she went and kicked the Bob. Um, so I'm like, she is ready, she's ready for something. But, you know, uh, a structured program like that, um, builds not just the physical defense skills, but it also builds the discipline it builds.

Kellie: Mm-hmm.

Lisa: You know, all of those really, really important aspects to a child being able to physically defend themself and to learn, uh, to really to learn how to do that. Um, and, and it's a structured practice. Um.... place, right, where she's going every week, maybe multiple times a week, and they're reinforcing all of the techniques.

Lisa: Um, and so she's, she's gonna be able to learn them, uh, in a really effective way. And I'm telling you, um, I think Anna's gonna be a force to be reckoned with, uh, not too long from now.

Kellie: Good for her.

Lisa: Yeah.

Kellie: I mean, if she's kicking Bobs when she's walking through the doors, I think she's gonna—.

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: End up okay. And good for the mom too. I'm really...

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: Happy that she could do that for her child.

Lisa: Agree. You know, and I think that was super important is that she was just like, I just think it's time for her to learn some stuff and I wanna make sure that she's being able to... to keep herself safe out there. And so...

Kellie: Yeah.

Lisa: Yeah. So, I applauded the mom and then I also told the mom, hey, if you wanna learn some, some physical defense. Come on back and, uh, and I'll work with you, but meanwhile, let's get Anna into, I was able to recommend a, a good, a really great, um, Jiu-jitsu studio here in town for her and, um, yeah. And so, I hope that goes well, but I think we gave her a good foundation to go into all of that with.

Kellie: Well, all of this knowledge is a good foundation for my 8-year-old self.

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: Uh, going back in time. 'Cause time is not linear.

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: Um, so 8-year-old Kellie is grateful for this knowledge. She's gonna go back in time and whoop that man's butt.

Lisa: That's right. Um...

Kellie: Or she's gonna say back up.

Lisa: That's right. I don't feel safe. Yeah.

Kellie: I don't like you.

Lisa: Yes.

Kellie: I don't feel safe. Go away.

Lisa: Right.

Kellie: Stop. I'm not gonna say please...

Lisa: Just stop...

Kellie: But just stop.

Lisa: That's right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. It was truly, it was a, you know, one of those crazy pivots blessing to do. Um, and uh, yeah, and I just thought that it would probably be worth sharing that with everybody, so...

Kellie: it is worth sharing. Thank you for listening. And speaking of sharing, listeners, we love storytelling episodes. We... we have a mix of expert episodes and storytelling episodes, so if you've got a story that you wanna share with us, or even if you're not comfortable sharing it, we can relay your story. We can find a way to tell your story. But we really do think storytelling is a, a first line in self-defense. So please reach out to us. You can find us on the web at DiamondDefense.com. You can email us at DiamondDefensePodcast@gmail.com and search for DiamondDefense1, that's number one on Instagram. Um, and share your story or just, you know, keep listening to the stories that we're sharing with you, because even if you're listening, you're protecting yourself by gaining all this knowledge. Right, Lisa?

Lisa: That's exactly right. And I, you know, I wanna just take a second and sort of, um, in, in the name of permission. Um, some of the folks that we've talked to, uh, in previous episodes have said, hey, I have a story, but like, I don't feel like I did everything right. Right? I think there were things that I could have done better. I don't wanna like come on and get shamed for the things I didn't do right. And I said, that's not us. Um, that's not what we're about at all. Uh, you know, this is a judgment-free zone. This is a safe space. So, uh, no matter what it is, even if you feel like, man, this thing happened, I, I wish I had done things differently. Um. We can all learn from that. I learn from things I fuck up all the time. You know, you just own it and, and, and you learn from it. And I think that that—.

Kellie: Girl! Yes. Listen to my dating episode and inviting men to my fucking home before I should.

Lisa: Right?

Kellie: I made some mistakes and I learned.

Lisa: And you learned and you kept yourself safe. And, um, and that's really all that matters. And that's at the end of the day, um, that's what we're here for and that's what we're here to do. So... Please reach out to us. Shoot us an email like Kellie said, find us on Insta at DiamondDefense1. Um, and, uh, share with us whatever you'd like. Even if you just want us to, um, hit on a certain subject or, um, whatever it is, um, we're here for you.

Kellie: Yeah, we're grateful for you listening, right, Lisa?

Lisa: Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you so much for tuning in, Diamonds. Thanks for keeping your ears on this podcast. Thanks for spreading the word. Um, if you know anybody who you think maybe could benefit from this episode, please do us a solid and share it with them. Please do the things that help the algorithms do algorithmy things like rate, review, subscribe, follow, all of that stuff, um, that helps us get to more ears and help, uh, more ladies stay safe out there. So, we appreciate it all.

Kellie: We appreciate you, and while you're out there doing your things and taking your classes and trying to stay sane from all the noise out in the world, literally and metaphorically, we also want you to watch out for motherfuckers.

Lisa: And shine on, Diamonds.

Theme Music: I am a fighter. Checking my armor. I'm marching onward. Hey Hey. I am a fighter, storming the desert…